Imperfect but Abiding

Sharing Scripture and Stories with Sisters in Christ

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I’m a born again Christian. I’ve used writing as a tool for myself for a long time, but I’ve sometimes wondered if my experiences and stories could help others, so here I am, writing them down. Maybe somebody will read them, and maybe they won’t. It isn’t my job to worry about it.

    • The Weary Who Needs Rest

      I was sort of catapulted into learning how to rest.

      One busy fall season, I suddenly started to notice weakness, dizziness, and a racing heart. It happened a couple of weeks after a severe bout of sciatica. At first, I thought it was serotonin syndrome because I was taking a muscle relaxer to combat the pain and have been on a combination of SSRIs for many years, but discontinuing the muscle relaxer didn’t help. I ended up in the ER twice in one weekend, and I received a diagnosis of POTS during the second visit.

      For those of you that don’t know about POTS, it’s an acronym that stands for Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, but the trouble goes FAR beyond a fast heart rate. It fits under the wider branch of “dysautonomia,” which means that my autonomic nervous system doesn’t work properly. In other words, my heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, and various other bodily systems are wildly unregulated, and I spend a good amount of time dizzy, lightheaded, weak, and/or exhausted. The best [read with intense sarcasm] part of the whole thing is that there is no cure and also very few effective treatments. Thankfully, I don’t pass out like a lot of patients do. I just lose muscle control and end up flat on the floor, grass, or wherever else I happened to be standing. Both poor sleep and lack of sleep affect POTS greatly. Exertion in any sense can also make symptoms significantly worse.

      I used to be the type that would “go go go” as long as I possibly could. I would fit as many things as possible into a day, then I would squeeze in a couple more. Not anymore, though. I physically cannot do it. If I try, I can almost guarantee an episode in which I will find myself laid out feeling half-dead.

      So I rest.

      Some days grudgingly, frustatedly, and full of self-judgment, but I rest.

      In these times of rest since my diagnosis, though, I have learned a lot about God. I can spend my time in reflection and prayer. I am not going to pretend that’s all I do in these times of rest, but it does make up quite a bit of that time. I pray when I’m laying in my bed, or I reflect on His Word, or otherwise just contemplate Him and His teachings. Through this diagnosis, God has taught me to rest.

      Now, I protect that time. I don’t usually push myself so hard that I’ll pay for it later. I’m not perfect, but I’m far ahead of where I used to be, and through it all, I get to use that time to be with Him. Sounds like an overall win to me.

      “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 NASB1995

    • Change & Constancy

      I’m back – long time no post.

      I think I may have written that the last time, too. I’d like to say I have a good excuse for the long absence, but I don’t know that I do.

      When last I wrote, I had just started a new job in a completely different field. I have since taken on several other responsibilities at this job, been accepted into grad school for Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and begun a relationship that is really important to me. Most things are totally different than they were six months ago.

      A close friend of mine even pointed this out to me recently. We were chatting about recent events, and she said “Look at you,” then went on to describe how a year ago, I was unsure of whether I should quit my job and had no idea where I was going to end up. That’s when the full impact of the changes in my life truly stood out to me.

      I thought addressing change in a post would be good, but I didn’t immediately think of a verse that went with change, so I Googled “Bible verses about change,” and the first one that came up on the OpenBible.info site was Hebrews 13:8.

      Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. (NASB1995)

      The truth of that verse really stands out to me in this context. Even when life is constantly changing, Christ is always the same. His love, His grace, His mercy, His Truth – they’re all constant. I can’t possibly think of anything more comforting than that, and in fact, I can’t think of anything I can add to it to make the point more clear.

      Rest in Him, folks. In the words of Tara-Leigh Cobble, “He’s where the joy is.”

    • Forgiveness, Grey Areas, and Hypocrisy

      “But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors. For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles in one point, he has become guilty of all. For He who said ‘DO NOT COMMIT ADULTERY,’ also said ‘DO NOT COMMIT MURDER.’ Now if you do not commit adultery, but do commit murder, you have become a transgressor of the law. So speak and so act as those who are to be judged by the law of liberty. For judgement will be merciless to one who has shown no mercy; mercy triumphs over judgement.”

      James 2:5 (NASB)

      Today, I was a hypocrite.

      One moment, I was concentrating heavily on believing in forgiving mistakes. People mess up. People do bad things. It happens, and God can forgive any one of us. Within minutes, though, I sat in the exact same spot in the exact same situation and judged someone else so harshly. I didn’t say anything out loud (though my face often speaks for me), but that isn’t the point. I was making the same mistake that was frustrating me not so long before. Talk about a speck and a log.

      Sometimes, forgiveness is hard to wrap our heads around, not only because we ourselves don’t deserve it, but also because we want it for ourselves and yet are so quick to deny it to others or simply believe they don’t deserve it.

      Many people know John 3:16 – it’s arguably the most memorized verse of the Bible. Romans 3:23 and 1 John 1:9 are fairly well-known also. Sometimes, though, it’s hard to apply them to ALL others. In their heads, some can act as though they want to pick and choose who gets forgiveness and how much they want those others to receive. I was totally in that headspace this morning.

      It’s so important to remember that it’s not our call to make, though. My job is to share the hope of Christ with those people I come across in my daily life, whether that’s at work, or the grocery store, or online. It’s not my job to decide whether someone is a good person or a bad one, whether someone deserves God’s forgiveness or not, or just how wrong another’s actions are.

      Human souls aren’t black and white; they’re grey. The only way to become “white as snow” in God’s eyes is to accept His Son as our personal savior, and whether I believe someone deserves forgiveness or not has nothing to do with it.

    • Hope, Feathers, Anchors, and Weights

      “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality.”

      ‭‭Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭10‬-‭13‬ ‭(NASB)

      Building this blog on honesty has made me realize that it’s only right to continue to be honest. I posted every day for the first few days, and then I dropped off out of nowhere, then wrote a few lines about depression and promptly fell away again. 

      Here’s some more honesty: life can be hard. It can feel like an uphill race where everybody else gets a bicycle and you get two kayak anchors. Though I wish I had all the answers or the rope cutters to set others (or myself) free, I can’t make it all go away in an instant. That’s not how life works. 

      Job asked for relief, but he didn’t receive it that instant. There were other things at play and other plans in motion. He did eventually get reprieve, but “eventually” seems way closer when it’s in the rear view mirror. Knowing that there is hope for the future does not negate the weight of the now. 

      It felt important to write this, not because I need to whine to the Internet, but because I want to be honest with anybody who might be reading. For those of you feeling the heaviness of your present, I pray you can find some relief. 

      Sincerely,

      Someone who knows she’ll hear the singing again. 

      —————

      “Hope is the thing with feathers”

      By Emily Dickinson

      “Hope” is the thing with feathers –

      That perches in the soul –

      And sings the tune without the words –

      And never stops – at all –

      And sweetest – in the Gale – is heard –

      And sore must be the storm –

      That could abash the little Bird

      That kept so many warm –

      I’ve heard it in the chillest land –

      And on the strangest Sea –

      Yet – never – in Extremity,

      It asked a crumb – of me.

    • On Pity Parties

      You’ll have to forgive the slight hiatus. I’ve been job hunting… and also moping. I’ve said I’m not perfect; in fact, it’s even in the title of this little blog of mine, and little imperfect me has been throwing one heck of a pity party. 

      I spoke to one of my closest friends today, and after I listed my application tally for at least the second time in our short conversation, she called me out. She was right to do so, and I’m glad she did. 

      We live in a culture where moping is kind of the norm, and I’m as good at it as the next 25-year-old woman who was raised around professional mopers. I’ve written before on how the Bible doesn’t frown upon depression, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about continually revisiting things that hurt a person simply because they can and refusing to trust in the hope they know exists. 

      Some might think it’s insensitive to point it out, but I think Paul (a guy who wasn’t known for pulling verbal punches) would say differently. In Ephesians 4:14-15, he writes:

      “As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ…” (NASB)

      I know Paul isn’t talking about calling your friends’ pity parties out here, but I believe the concept is applicable to other situations. I think pointing out my wallowing is a perfect example of speaking truth in love. My friend didn’t point out my pity party to shame me; she pointed it out because she cares and she knows that sometimes I need that callout. I’m so thankful to have someone like her in my life that isn’t afraid to speak truth in love. I can only pray that God will guide me to speak that way, too. 

      And as far as my job search? While lying in bed, typing on my phone, and checking the Ephesians reference, I found some guidance in the verses just before the ones copied above. They read:

      “And He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ; until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ.” Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭11‬-‭13‬ (NASB)

      We are all here for a purpose, and impatient as I may be, I can also recognize that God will take me where I am supposed to go. I just need to rest in that knowledge. 

    • Life Changes

      I used to be a teacher. In fact, for most of my young life, that’s all I wanted to be. 

      It was quite a jolt to realize that I was actually not cut out for it at age 25. Some called it a “midlife crisis,” which sounded rather hopeless to me, but the sentiment was accurate. I hadn’t the slightest idea what I would do without a teaching job. Life changes. 

      This wasn’t the first time my life had taken a rather large and unexpected turn. March 17th of 2021, I coached my track kids at practice and prepped for our first meet. March 18th, I shattered both femurs and both ankles, becoming permanently disabled. Life changes. 

      God doesn’t change, though. Every time I’ve felt hopeless, small, or lost, and even when I was pretending He didn’t exist, He was there, and I think that’s pretty great. Though it didn’t instantly remove the pain from any of these situations, just knowing that I wasn’t alone brings me comfort. Learning to rest in His peace (something I work on every day) by drawing nearer to Him can also change a person’s entire outlook. I just have to recognize his constancy. 

      Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews‬ ‭13‬:‭8‬ ‭(NASB)

    • On Hiding Depression

      On Hiding Depression

      Oooooh, dirty word: depression. 

      Sometimes it sneaks up quietly in the dead of night to slowly overtake you; others, it hits you like a Peterbuilt. I’ve personally experienced both, and neither one is my idea of a good time. 

      Somewhere along the line, many people get the idea that to be a Christian, they have to shove their negative feelings deep down inside and project constant happiness to those around them. They think it’s their job to show that because they’re Christians, nothing is ever wrong in their lives. 

      I’m not entirely sure where this idea comes from, though. King David, a man described as “after His (God’s) own heart,” clearly felt pretty poorly on occasion. We see him admit these things himself in many Psalms. A few examples are listed below:

      • Psalm 5: Asks God to consider his “groaning” (v 1, NASB)
      • Psalm 13: Mentions having sorrow “all the day” (v. 2, NASB)
      • Psalm 69: “I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched” (v. 3, NASB)
      • Psalm 86: Calls himself “afflicted and needy” (v. 1, NASB)

      Lying is called evil and an abomination in multiple places in the Bible, and I don’t remember seeing a note anywhere that said *except in cases of depression. This doesn’t mean we have to advertise our struggles to everybody we know, but if we know someone can be trusted, it’s important to be able to tell someone you’re struggling. Additionally, we can’t hide anything from God. He knows everything there is to know about us. 

      As Christians, we aren’t supposed to focus on ourselves; we’re supposed to follow in Jesus’s example by serving others, but this doesn’t mean we aren’t supposed to feel our feelings. Yesterday, I mentioned that Christ truly knows our suffering, and that applies to this post, also. 

      So what helps? What can we do to help others in the midst of depression? 

      Pleasant words are a honeycomb,

      Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Proverbs 16:24 (NASB)

      Will kind words solve all problems? No, but I can’t think of a time when someone’s kind words made me feel worse. Though I may have a hard time recognizing the truth in them at the time, those kind words are things I can return to when I find myself struggling in the future. 

      Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love… Ephesians 4:2 (NASB)

      Just have patience with us. We don’t mean to be this way, and I know it can be frustrating sometimes, but I promise the kindness and patience and just being there do not go unnoticed. 

    • More Truth

      I think it’s important that I tell anybody who’s regularly reading this that I’m not always Polly-Positive-Attitude. Most of the time, I try pretty hard to “keep rolling,” as I say, but I would be lying if I told you I always do it with a smile on my face. 

      Sometimes I “keep rolling” while I scream nonsense at nobody in particular and kick random objects along the way. I know that’s not the attitude I’m supposed to take, but it’s definitely the one I have on some occasions. 

      Regardless of whether my attitude is positive or not, one set of verses that’s never far from my thoughts is Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. It’s the only passage I really remember resonating with me as a kid, and despite the winding path I took to find my way back to life as a believer, I’ve kept it close. 

      While that passage doesn’t provide an excuse for me to have a bad attitude, I do think it validates my feelings. There is an appointed time for everything, and it’s important to know that our struggles also aren’t misunderstood. We know from Scripture that Christ has been in our shoes: 

      For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Hebrews‬ ‭4‬:‭15 (‭NASB)

      The difference between our suffering and His is that He did it perfectly. That doesn’t mean He didn’t suffer; rather it means He kept His heart and eyes focused in the right place. We can work toward doing better, but we are incapable of doing it perfectly. That’s why God had to send His son: if we could have done it ourselves, there would have been no need. 

      So yes, my attitude is straight out of the garbage some days. Thankfully, one of the passages I mentioned before contained instructions for what I can do to help remedy my frame of mind: 

      Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews‬ ‭4‬:‭16‬ ‭(NASB)

      He sees me in my struggle. He sees me in my bad times. Most importantly, though, keeping my mind on Him during the hard times is the best cure, and for that, I could not be more grateful.

    • An Unpopular Opinion

      I read Proverbs 12 as part of my daily Bible reading today. This verse really stuck out to me:

      An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,
      But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4 (NASB)

      Before I explain why, I feel it’s important that I say this: I’m not married, and I have never been married. I’m also not dating anybody at this time. Any “insight” I put here is purely theoretical and based on my own observations and the advice and experiences of people way smarter than I am. In fact, a lot of this is going to be a compilation of phrases from those people.

      I think it’s awful that women treat their husbands like incapable idiots and that it’s considered normal.

      Biblically speaking, women are reminded to respect or be subject to their husbands. I believe fully that, knowing God’s character, this doesn’t mean that He wants women to stay in abusive relationships with men (or anyone, for that matter). We are expected to defer to husbands who are leading us in a Godly manner. This deference doesn’t mean following blindly, either; it simply means recognizing a husband’s authority in the relationship.

      Speaking for myself here, but I doubt that I would marry somebody I thought was an idiot. I have no problem deferring to decisions made by someone I trust. Believe me, I’ve prayed for a husband with vast amounts of financial responsibility to handle all those things so I don’t have to. Similarly, I don’t see myself marrying someone who thinks I’m an idiot, either. I think part of loving someone is recognizing their skills and levels of intelligence in different areas and being willing to listen to their opinions and guidance.

      From where I’m sitting, anyway, marriage seems to work best as a partnership between two best friends. A wife’s best friend (notice that I didn’t say girlfriend – more on that some other time) should be her husband, and his best friend should be his wife.

      Paul tells us in Ephesians that wives should respect their husbands and husbands should love their wives. In my eyes, this doesn’t sound too far from best friendship. Partnerships don’t work because two people are exactly the same, do the same things, and think the same way; partnerships work because each person brings complementary areas of expertise, responsibilities, and strengths. Nobody wants to enter into a partnership with somebody they don’t trust or like.

      Treating husbands like they can’t do anything right has so many issues, but I think this is one of the biggest ones. Undermining the model set out by God by tearing spouses down makes marriage so much less a partnership and so much more a battleground, and that’s not what it was designed to be. A husband talking about his wife as if she was stupid would be frowned upon in most circles. All I’m saying is that wives purposely portraying their husbands as idiots should be seen in the same way.

    • Put it Down

      Once, I had a conversation with a friend of mine about the differences between true and false guilt. True guilt comes from the sins we need to “own” by taking responsibility for them, confessing them, and asking God for His forgiveness. False guilt, on the other hand, doesn’t come from sin but from Satan’s lies or promptings, or from our own anxieties or fears. In other words, false guilt isn’t ours to take. It might belong to someone else (or no one at all), but it does not belong to us.

      The problem with this false guilt is that it can create shame that drives us away from Christ. Though Hebrews 4:13 tells us that nothing is hidden from Him, we’re living in a fallen world, and Satan loves planting the idea in our minds that we have done something so irredeemably wrong that we should pull away from the Lord. It’s a weapon that can work really well on people – myself included. While we might know that false guilt exists, it can be easy to convince ourselves that the guilt isn’t false at all.

      I’ve found that it helps to remind myself of this verse when I’m suffocating under the weight of guilt that doesn’t belong to me:

      But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1:5 (NASB)

      David’s words in Psalm 139 can be helpful, also:

      Search me, O God, and know my heart;
      Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
      And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
      And lead me in the everlasting way. Psalm 139:23-24 (NASB)

      I think this is on my heart today for a couple of reasons. First of all, I deal with false guilt on such a regular basis that it’s bound to come up often, but I also think people generally fall into two camps: those who pick up way too much false guilt and those who are perfectly willing to pass out their true guilt to anyone who’s willing to pick it up.

      Obviously, this can be problematic. Romans 3:23 tells us we’ve all sinned, but that doesn’t mean we need to go around gathering up the guilt that belongs to others. John didn’t say “If we confess absolutely every sin we can think of regardless of who it belongs to;” he said “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9 NASB).

      So, if you tend to pick up the guilt that doesn’t belong to you, consider this your reminder to put it down. It’s not yours for the taking.